Not This Time
by BleedingMascara
Summary: Spike just needs to get some things straight...


Title: NOT THIS TIM

Rating: M (and I mean it! no kiddies please!)

Pairing: B/S

Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be! Joss is GOD! Don't sue me, please?

Summary: Spike just wants to get certain things straight … ;-)

AN: First and only Fanfic I ever wrote… still dunno why, I just felt the urge to back then! XD

Spoilers: Post-Gone

Not this time

Spike sat on his bed, a bottle of booze his only company right now, when minutes before...

Confused, he fell back down on the crumbled sheets and inhaled … her scent. It was still all around him. In the mattress, the comforter, the sheets, … his skin.

And with the smell came the feel of her skin rubbing against him, moving beneath him, but no images of her! He still couldn't believe he'd really made her leave, but he couldn't stand not seeing her while …

For chrissake, a week ago he would've been thankful for even one glance of her at him, that wasn't full of disgust or hate. All the days after …

It had been a rather violent encounter, with a rather wild and violent sex fest following. All the hurtful things they said to each other.

Deep inside, he knew that if it were ever to happen, it would be like that - violent, hurtful, …

But that had been before her life turned like hell. Her mother died. Her own death and resurrection and the consequences nobody had thought of before pulling her back.

She'd turned to him and that's when his imagery and fantasies had changed. He wanted to hold her. Be there when she fell into yet another deep whole and pull her out of there. Holding her would have been so much more than he would have ever hoped for, but now …

He never in his life - or un-life for that matter - believed they'd get to this point and he suddenly realized how much it hurt that she just used him to feel better.

He could touch her. He could see her - well, at last the first time - he could fuck her, fuck her brains out, could hear her scream when he made her come, pounding into her … but he loved her so much…

The first night he could not restrain his rage. Just like her. But, God was it good!

He just regretted not having been able to show her how goddamn much she meant to him. He'd tried again, just then, a few minutes ago. Tried to calm her, to look at her, into her eyes, while he was inside her, but he couldn't see her. And she wanted it hard and fast. She wanted him to plainly fuck her, she wanted a little pain to feel alive again, but Spike wanted … he wanted to …

All this was too much for his poor vampire brain and he turned his head into the Buffy-smelling pillow and cried. He couldn't take it anymore.

He didn't cry - he never cried! What was this girl doing to him?

After a while his tears subsided and anger replaced his sorrow. He'd show her, once and for all! He just hoped she'd be visible again at the time.

He'd followed her all night, while she'd been patrolling. He loved to see her fight, it made him all tingly - especially when she was fighting with him - and he could feel the anger and hate coming off her in waves. Tonight though, he could also sense desperation, pain, inner turmoil, frustration...

He wondered why?

"Stupid" - punch - "fucking"- punch- "bastard" - dust!

"Who the fuck" - kick - "does he think" - roundhouse kick - "he is?" dust!

Why was she even thinking about him? Oh, yeah, he'd kicked her out of his crypt - _undone!!_

She was mad, to say the least, energy-loaded and frustrated … the sexual kind.

How could he? Wasn't that what he'd wanted all along? Asshole!

She'd show him. She'd just never go to him again, show him what he'd lost the second he'd told her to leave.

She didn't need him … but he'd felt so damn good!

His skin, his tongue, his hands, ... oh God his fingers, lips, … his cock inside her …

She'd never felt orgasms as strong and powerful as the ones that night. She'd been sore as hell, yes, but good sore. So good she went back for more today. More of him, the only "person" she could stand having around her right now.

She was furious, angry. As soon as she'd been in Technicolor again and the sun had set, she went patrolling. Just waiting for all the nasties to show up. She had to get rid of all the energy she had left, the energy Spike had refused to use for his benefit.

A few hours later, she was tired, but nothing about the sexual frustration had changed. She'd never even noticed it before, but now she knew what it felt like to be satiated, satisfied - after …

She strolled home, not noticing her stalker. She wanted to take a hot shower, wash off the memory of his skin on hers, his hands … and then she wanted to sleep. Deep, deep slumber. Try to get his face out of her mind.

Buffy opened the front door and went straight up to the bathroom letting the water run hot while shedding her dirty clothes. They still smelled like him …

Spike slipped in a few minutes after her, knowing where the extra key was hidden from the time he'd more or less lived there, the time she'd been … away.

Dawn wasn't home, probably staying with Tara. They've gotten close, those two. And that was good. Tara was good for her.

Spike stood in front off the slightly opened bathroom door, peaking in. Her blue silk bra was dangling from the sink. Steam streaming out of the slightly opened shower curtains. He could hardly keep from going in and yanking them apart, revealing her naked, wet and slippery body. He could hear her moan softly … wait! He was supposed to still be mad at her!

He moved across the hall into her room hiding in the shadows of the dark corner, where not even the moonlight managed to fall.

Buffy was standing under the hot stream of water, letting it sooth her. She swept her hands over her slippery body, intending to wash off the dirt and phantom hands. Unfortunately her actions invoked other feelings, … feelings she couldn't handle. She felt her hands slide across her breasts, pinching her nipple. Her other hand slipped down between her thighs. She wanted it to be his hands so badly. His strong hands.

She felt save with him, protected. Weird but true!

"Spike!" she gasped quietly when her head fell back and she came by her own hand, wishing it was …

Hazily she stepped out of the shower. Now even more frustrated that she realized that not even masturbating could satisfy her anymore … she still felt it … she still needed him.

"NO! I don't need him!" She gave herself a mind-slap.

The cozy bathrobe felt nice on her heated skin. She sighed and walked to her dark room. Dark was good. Dark was safe!

Just as she was about slide off her robe, she sensed a presence in her room, behind her. It was him, no doubt.

"Get out Spike!" he didn't answer.

"Spike, what are you doing here - in _my _room?" She warned; her back still turned to him. Still no answer.

"Get the hell out, Spike, before I - "

"No!" he cut her off.

"No? What do you mean, no?" she turned slowly looking at his direction now, but couldn't see him.

"Just, no!" came back.

"Spike, I'm warning you. I am in _NO_ mood for any of your games right now!" he could see her face clearly, her eyes narrowed to a slit and he could hear her pulse quickening.

"Oh, you aren't, huh?" he mocked.

"Goddamit, Spike, get out of the shadows, I can't see you!" she hissed at him.

"Know your pain, luv." He stated quietly.

"Cut the crap! If you have anything important to tell me, then do so, other than that - scram!"

"No!" She heard his deep husky voice say. It set off a shudder through her whole body and she hoped he couldn't see it. She was getting nervous ...and annoyed!

"You up for a fight or something?"

"No!" came a deep growl. That does it. This time it went right to her core. She felt hot, but this game he was playing, started to get to her … in a bad way.

"Stop! Stop saying that! Stop being here! Stop, stop … everything!"

No answer.

Buffy felt her hands starting to shake, whether it was out of fear, desperation or need, she didn't know. Now if she can at least just manage to keep her eyes from tearing up…

"Spike, if you're not gonna leave, I'm gonna beat the crap outta you!"

Finally, he stepped out of the shadows in to the light of the moon that shone through her bedroom window and she gasped inwardly when she finally saw him. She felt a rush of excitement run through her, resulting in a gush of moisture between her thighs.

"Yeah, you'd love to fight right now, wouldn't you?" He approached her even more. "Always ends the same lately, doesn't it, pet?" He had to smile inwardly, when he suddenly smelled her arousal, but wouldn't let the smile surface on his face.

"Get over yourself, Spike!" she spat back.

"Oh, come on, Slayer. I can smell you from over here!" he came even closer, purposely invading her personal space, which he knew was nerve-wrecking to her, if she couldn't escape. She hastily wrapped her robe around her tighter. Pressing her legs together, she looked away from him, confused and pretty much embarrassed.

"Leave me alone, spike!" She pleaded hoping it didn't sound too desperate; his proximity making her blood race through her strained veins.

"No!"

"I said, don't say - " he closed the distance and when she tried to push him away, he grabbed her hands and held them down at her sides. Staring each other in the eyes, the air between them frickled with tension.

Spike switched into seduction-mode.

"What do you feel when I kiss you - the was I always do?"

Silence.

"Disgust! Repulsion!"

He pulled her hands to her front and held them down there with only one of his strong hands and by that pulling here even closer to him.

"Let go!" she uttered with clenched teeth, but he just shook his head and continued.

"What, …" his free hand inched its way up over her arm to her face "…if I kissed you differently?" two of his fingers brushed over her clenched lips like a feather, relaxing them "the way I really want to?" he tilted the his head the way he does. He could feel her pulse quicken and her breath leaving her mouth rather quickly, caressing his face. She swallowed hard and audibly. Her mind was yelling, urging her to get away.

"Like this." He nudged down her chin to open her lips a bit, never breaking eye contact. Only a fraction of the second before he touched her lips, did he close his eyes.

He brushed his lips against hers very softly; hardly applying any pressure at all and then let his tongue slip out to smooth it over her lower lip, sucking it between his own lips softly. His fingers traveled over her cheek and cupped her face in a protective way. His attention now moving to her upper lip and when passing by tried to gain entrance to the hot, moist caverns that were her mouth. His own "breath" speeding up now.

He broke the kiss, but his lips never left hers; his thumb caressing her temple.

She couldn't move.

"Let me in, Buffy!" he whispered, his lips nudging hers while speaking.

And with that, all that had been left of her resistance melted away. And the second he felt her hot breath hit his lips, he snaked out his tongue again and slipped between her silken ones, tracing their form. Finally he pushed inside. When his cool tongue met her hot one the first time (tonight!), he felt as if every cell in his body was about to explode and Buffy exhaled the breath, she hadn't been aware holding, with an audible moan. Another shudder ran through her and settled deep in her womb, weakening her. Her knees gave in from the sensation and he let go of her hands to steady her around her tiny waist. His strong tongue was probing against hers, exploring her mouth in a torturous slow motion of a kiss.

Buffy started to feel dizzy and searched for something she could hold on to. She grasped the fabrique of his black shirt, trying to steady herself.

Nothing had ever felt like this before. She was dumbstruck and couldn't move. This was frightening her. She felt lost. There was no steady rhythm in this kiss, … so slow. How was she supposed to gain control over the situation this unpredictable?

And as if he was reading her mind, sensing her helplessness, he started to caress her temple again and draw circles on the small of her back with his other fingers. As if she didn't have enough to do with contemplating what was happening to her mouth, her tongue and teeth.

After a few more painfully good seconds, he broke the kiss and opened his eyes to find hers still closed and her breath coming out in fast, little gasps. Honestly speaking though, he wasn't any better off than her …

He looked down at her head resting in the cup of his right hand, feeling the weight, as if she wasn't strong enough anymore to hold her own head up.

"How was that?" he whispered barely audible, still only inches away from her face. He claimed control of the situation again, not forgetting what he was here to prove for. He had to keep control. Over her and especially over himself. He knew how easy it was to lose himself in her. Giving in to the situation. Giving in to her as soon as she gained control over him.

NO! Not this time!

She didn't answer him. Actually she couldn't, because her brain was still too busy processing what had just happened to her body.

"Buffy, …" she tried to open her eyes. It was hard, "… Buffy, look at me!"

She blinked tiredly and her eyes opened to ones she's know anywhere. Blue as ice.

Spike.

Had that really been him, right then? Turning her to Slayer pudding with only kissing her for a few - extremely, extremely, electrifying - seconds?

Impossible! Not her sextoy! Couldn't be him … he shouldn't be able to …

"Hmm?" was all she managed to get out.

"What did you think, luv? Was that better?" he mumbled.

Suddenly her Slayer brain focused on the situation at hand again and she shook her head slightly. That though had been a mistake, because by doing that her skin rubbed along his palm, still holding her face.

"No, Spike, I, errr, ..um -"

"Shut up." Came calmly and it was as if she couldn't do anything, but do so.

"And now open your mouth again, just a bit!" she complied and a tiny second later, his tongue once again found hers, hidden protectively in her warm mouth.

"Ooops! Here we go again with the week knees, dizziness and gushing part!" she thought. "Oh God, I can't take this anymore."

And with that thought in her mind her hands crept up further to wind themselves around his neck. Holding herself up, he let his two hands wander to the loose knot that was keeping her robe closed in front. He pulled at it slowly until the knot dissolved and the robe was now dangling loosely from her body.

He let both of his hands slip underneath … she was still hot from the shower … even though it was quite obvious that not all of that heat could still be from the hot water …

Her skin felt so soft, so silky, he could never get enough of just touching her. One hand wandered of to her stomach and up to her breasts, the other around to her ass and thigh, pressing her against him.

Buffy moaned loudly and tightened her hug around his neck. And an even louder gasp escaped her when his one hand suddenly changed its course and went straight to the goal … his fingers dipped right into the wet heat he knew he was responsible for …

She threw her head back and by that broke the kiss.

"I can't believe you're that wet already, Buffy." spike breathed into her ear. "Look at me!"

She looked at him while he was keeping up the rhythm with his hand and pressing her against him with his other. There was no mischievous gleam in his eyes as she had expected, only total admiration …

"Spike - "

"Sshhh…" he moved towards the bed and removed her robe "lay down!"

He quickly got rid of his duster and shirt and pants …

Naked lowered himself next to her and while locking his eyes with hers began to caress her breasts, making first larger than smaller circles around them … but without touching her nipples.

Buffy's hands were entangled in his hair trying to draw him down to her. She was getting extremely worked up and she couldn't wait anymore … she wanted him in side her ... she needed the release …

"Spike please …"

"What? What do you want, pet?" he pinched her nipple rolling it between them,

"Spike stop it" she breathed hard "you know exactly what I want!"

"No, I don't … tell me!"

"Oh, god, just make me come! Pleeeaaasse!"

"No…" he uttered under his breath.

"Cut the crap spike and fuck me!" it hurt when she said that. It really seemed as if he was nothing, but a larger than live vibrator to her.

"No!" he repeated "I'm never ever going to fuck you again!" by now he was hard as a rock and he could barely keep himself from just plunging his cock into her and give her what she wanted …

"wha-?"

Before she could say anything he positioned himself above her and started to lick his way down to her breasts. Sucking at each nipple, biting gently while his hands roamed up her arms to her shoulders and back down to her hands. Another moan left her mouth and it was like music to his ears. Her skin was so incredibly soft, and she smelled so good. He remembered how drugged his senses were after the first time he smelled her. He entwined their fingers and moved up to be face to face with her.

"You want me inside you very bad right now, don't you? You'd do anything to have anybody fuck you right now, wouldn't you?" he asked her while holding their entwined hands next to her head.

Buffy was speechless, what the heck was going on with him? Why was he suddenly angry?

"Well, if it's all about fucking, you can count me out …I'm no longer your boy toy, luv!" he started dry-humping her slowly driving her crazy with friction and his intense voice. His voice, if he knew how much power he had by only talking to her like this … she closed her eyes to try and keep her shudders at bay.

"No, keep looking at me!" he ordered and cupped her face with both his hands again and caressed her cheeks with his thumbs. She opened her eyes to his just second before he touched his lips to hers once again.

"I want you to keep looking at me...at me, Spike, your fiend … the one you can't stop thinking about!"

"What are you talking -?" the rhythm he was keeping up with the lower half of his body was driving her bonkers.

"Ssshhh!" he silenced her with a soft kiss, "spread your legs, luv…" she obliged not in the farthest knowing what the heck was going on anymore, "wider!" he ordered and again she could not do anything but.

Spike positioned his cock at her entrance, still looking at her intently, but suddenly he stopped. Just stopped.

She was just about to close her eyes to concentrate on the feeling of a hard cock sliding inside her, to push her over the edge, to release whatever kept her locked up in herself… but spike didn't move a muscle!

Buffy grabbed his butt and pushed her pelvis up against his.

"Na-a-a-a-a, not yet, luv!"

"Spike, plea-"

"No!" his eyes still locked to hers, staring write through her. "Not until you finally get it!"

"Get what?" she breathed heavily impatiently.

"Get that there's more to what we're doing' here." He whispered to her. He made sure she was listening to what he was saying and continued.

"I want you to stop concentrating on having an orgasm. I want you to just feel. Let go! And I want you to realize who this is that is making you feel this way!"

At that last comment she averted her gaze. He cupped her face and turned her head to his again.

"No, Buffy, don't look away!" when their eyes met again he saw that hers were watery. That was when he almost gave in. He never wanted to make her cry - never again. But things would never change if he chickened out now.

Finally he started moving a little, letting his hard-on sliding along her hot cleft, lubricating it, feeling that she was just as wet as before. They both moaned at the friction, but he knew he had to keep control of his actions.

"I'm not going to fuck you, Buffy…. I'm going to go very slowly…" he held her head and whispered again, "so, you can feel every inch of me invading you…" by that dipping the tip of his cock inside her.

Buffy suddenly had butterflies in her stomach area - she was nervous as hell - and afraid … she new why, but still would and could not admit it.

He was right!

Her face was displaying what she was thinking and feeling and it stung his not-beating heart to see it.

While still pushing inside her, he began to caress her cheeks with his thumbs.

Buffy tried very hard not to cry. She still tried to push away any thoughts concerning her, love and spike. He was right though and it was hard to ignore it now that he'd said it out loud. It had been easier to pretend when he would just do what she said or expected… not this time, though…

When he couldn't get deeper, he kept still and kissed her forehead softly.

"Pull your knees up higher, Buffy, " he murmured, "I want to get deeper inside you!"

Buffy's heart started thumping faster, his voice sending shudders down her spine. But again, mesmerized Buffy could only do as told. She pulled her knees up higher while he searched her eyes again, finding them still glittering with salty water and fear.

She actually had no idea how he wanted to get in any further, she felt filled up by him completely already - more than all the times before even. Maybe, because for the first time, she actually paid more attention to what else was happening, to all the other parts of the body that could be stimulated by making lo - having sex! Especially the brain!

She was so scared…

While Buffy was pulling her knees up slowly his hands traveled down her arms, bringing them up to her head and entwining their fingers. When he felt that she could not get them up higher, he pushed his pelvis into hers with one hard, but gentle thrust sending a tear to finally flow over the rim of her lid and roll down her cheek. Her mouth gapped open and a short gasp escaped her unwillingly and her fingers clamped around his desperately. Never in her live had she felt anything like this before.

Spike also had a very hard time trying to keep calm. She was so tight and so hot and so wet and so everything he ever and never had dreamed of.

"I've never been so deep inside anyone before, luv!" he whispered staring into her fear-filled eyes.

"You feel it? You feel how deep I am inside you, Buffy?" he asked her carefully and then bowed down to kiss the tear away that was still glistening on her rosy cheek.

Buffy on her side was still unable to respond in a proper way. Every second that passed threatened to break her will of denying what was happening and what she felt. She had tremendous difficulties to keep her lower lip from trembling now.

Though it was only an extremely little movement, he saw that her lip was trembling. Spike sighed softly and cupped her head again carefully - Buffy's hands not moving an inch. She just lay there not moving at all… until she could feel his mouth on hers again, ever so softly trying to calm her trembling lip with his.

Normally, showing affections like this only showed how much someone cared for the other, and it is meant to be soothing, but in this - in her - situation, it meant having to bring up another amount of energy - she didn't have - to deny what was happening…

And then… he started moving, thrusting into her painfully slowly. Long and deep strokes.

In - out - In - out - in - out - in - out - in - out - …

Again his tongue longed for contact with hers, but she couldn't, not after what she knew he was able to do with it… not while he was so deep inside her and slipping in and out of her till she couldn't see straight.

"Buffy… Buffy, I love you, Buffy, I love you, I love you, I love you, …" and she could not deny him anymore. She let him in completely, not only into her wanting body and searing mouth, but into her soul … and it hurt! It hurt _so_ much!

After a few seconds of languid kissing and feeling his whole being slip inside her, she could no longer keep from crying. A strangled sob escaped her and her body was shaken by sobs following the first, though keeping unexpectedly quiet the whole time.

Spike, of course felt what was going and broke the kiss, never failing to keep up the rhythm with his hips though.

"Sssshhhh… it's okay, it's me, it's Spike. Look at me!" she had closed her eyes to keep the tears at bay, biting her lips to keep from openly crying.

"Buffy, please, keep you eyes on me!" she opened them, fluttering eyelids.

"Don't be afraid, … I won't hurt you, Buffy!"

Could she believe him? Did he know it wasn't physical pain she was afraid of? Did he know that by letting him in completely, she had done something she had sworn to herself, she would never do again?

"Just let go!" he said while touching his forehead to hers. And she did. It was no use in trying to deny anymore anyway.

And for the first time since he was inside her she moved her arms around his neck, her fingers entwining in his short, soft hair. But she also let out a few more heart wrenching sobs before his steady rhythm began to increase a little. He could feel her tiny feet rubbing over his back with every time he thrust into her.

The familiar feeling of a nearing orgasm settled inside her womb and it grew with every time she could feel his hard cock stretch her inner walls. So deep! Nobody had ever been so deep inside of her…

Normally he would speed up now, so she would get what she came for and leave after, but … not this time…

His lips fluttered over her face, kissing away tears, trying to make her stop crying by soothing her. Talking to her quietly.

"Ssshhhh…, c'mon, luv, it's alright…", he hushed her, "let it all out!"

"Oh god … " he heard her cry out desperately under her constant flow of silent sobs, but happy to hear her voice again, at least something …

"Yes, luv, … don't suppress it…" his pace increasing a tiny bit again, but keeping the strokes as long and deep as before.

"Let it surface!… C'mon, baby…" her breath quickened with every word he uttered.

Spike himself was so ready to come, but wouldn't let it show in his face. Control.

He felt her fingers scraping over his scalp, trying to find something to grasp, to hold on to.

"Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, …" she heard herself repeat like a mantra, hands still searching something to grasp. She could feel the orgasm building inside her. She could already feel that this would be different from all the others…

" I love you!" he reassured her once again.

"Spike…" she breathed heavily, another tear rolling down her cheek.

His name, she'd said his name. It was the first time she'd said his name during … whatever it was they were doing before. This was different. Though he always imagined to be making love to her. Well, he did, he just imagined she would do, too.

"I'll catch you, Buffy…" he felt she was very close, he could tell. He knew everything about her in this situation, he always paid so much attention, to give her exactly what she wanted… not this time!

Spike changed the angle a bit so his pelvis was rubbing against hers more, increasing the stimulation.

One stroke - another -

"Spike, I - "

Third -

He was breathing hard now, too

Fourth stroke -

And she couldn't take it anymore. She had to release it.

Fifth stroke, deeper than any other before. He hit a spot she didn't know existed and a mind-blowing chain of orgasms washed over her … through her body…

She finally lay of all her unfamiliar inhibitions and cried out.

"Oh spike, … oh god,… I love you!" and now it were heavy sobs taking her over, after the rush of orgasms left her body powerless and limp.

Her clenching inner walls during her orgasms and the words that she had just cried out made Spike come, too. Finally letting go, he emptied himself into her and could not keep from shedding a tear himself. But he could not fall apart completely now!

Suddenly Buffy panicked. This was what she was afraid of. She let him in, into her head, into her soul, … now he would leave…

She pulled him down to her all the way, clinging to him with her arms around his neck, her legs around his hips and her face in his neck.

"Oh my god, Spike, please don't leave me now, … hold me, please hold me tight, please, please, please,…oh god, no…what have I done?"

He lay over her, spent, like a wet towel draped around her, covering her whole body. He knew she was afraid of this moment, but he never thought it would be this extreme! Realization hurt!

He wanted so badly to hear the words again, hear her say them to him again, but he wouldn't push. He'd hurt her enough this night already.

"I won't ever leave, luv. I love you, I love you!" He murmured into her neck. He decided to get off of her, he didn't want to crush her.

When Buffy felt he was pulling away she panicked again, still openly crying and sobbing.

"No, no, no, no, .. . stay, you said, you'd stay!" she used the last bit of strength to hold onto him even tighter.

"okay…" So he held onto her and turned them both over, so she was laying fully on top of him., his now limp cock still all the way inside her. It was nice. This was the complete opposite if what usually happened. And with that he realized that she really got it this time! He couldn't help it, a smile appeared on his face, while his arms tightened around her slim waist and he began to caress her back, to sooth her. He searched for the blanket with one hand and pulled it over them when he got a hold of it.

"I'm here… I'm not going anywhere…"

Buffy was finally calming down a bit. He brushed away her hair with his right hand and nibbled her neck softly. Licking and sucking slowly and carefully whispering soothing words to her. Comforting her as much as he could, so she would feel save to relax.

Her crying had turned into quiet sobs, which had turned into heavy breathing. After a few more minutes of reassurance of his side, he had lulled her to sleep. Her on top of him, him still inside her. And now that he could also let go and didn't have to be in control anymore, he let the feeling of her naked body, her warm skin on his, and her scent flow through him. Let his senses get drugged, by all that was Buffy, again. He didn't want to fall asleep, he really didn't, but he was tired also. He still couldn't believe what had happened. Had she really said it? That she loved him? Maybe it was just in the heat of the moment, … though they've had more of those before…many more. They were even "hotter" than this time, physically seen. This time it was very hard on her psychologically seen. He knew she was afraid of admitting she loved him, because that would mean becoming vulnerable again, and that would mean there was a chance of her getting hurt yet again! He would not hurt her! He'd kill anyone or anything that would hurt her ever again! She was his now, his only! He'd protect her, if it cost his own life - or un-life for that matter…

… He fell asleep …

Buffy hadn't slept through since she came back, not to mention sleeping so deep she couldn't have been wok e up by another apocalypse. A feeling of love and safety had accompanied her all night.

Buffy came to and felt that something was different than usual. The satisfaction was there, yeah, but there was something else … oh, maybe it was because she was lying on top of a very naked Spike, head nestled under his chin, dick still inside her… they hadn't moved a muscle since they fell asleep.

Out of reaction she tried to push herself up a bit. No such luck. Spike was hugging her to him very tightly…

should she panic or should she just stay calm? But why should she stay calm? This was spike! How could she stay calm with Spike lying under her, dick inside her, arms around her! So, she panicked, because she felt she didn't have to panic … a night of making love, panic, mental pain, … whoa, she just thought to herself she had made love .. she hadn't made love since…

… and again, tears found their way out of her eyes.

Spike awoke immediately, when he felt her move and only seconds later he felt warm droplets of water drop on his chest.

The morning after…

Before he said anything, he hooked his arms under hers and pulled her almost weightless body up, so, her head was leveled with his. He felt his dick slip out of her. It was better that way. No need to give that poor slayer brain an overload this early in the morning. Spike began caressing her back again and kissed her temple. She sobbed again silently.

Hell, she was doing a lotta crying' in those few hours, he thought. But he guessed that it was good for her. Finally letting go, no more games, just getting all of the pain outta her system.

"I miss him so much sometimes…" she murmured after a few minutes of wetting his neck with her tears.

"I know." He answered softly.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be! He was your first big love, Buffy…" he sighed deeply "… and he… he was your first …the first…" he sighed again.

Buffy turned her head to look at him.

"How did you know I was talking about Angel?" she asked carefully. He also turned his head and locked their eyes. With his right hand he brushed away a strand of hair that had fallen in her face and wiped a few tears away.

God, how he hated Angel. Not only for what he'd done to him, but for what he'd done to Buffy.

"Because you never loved captain cardboard. Not in the "In love" kinda way…!"

Buffy stared at him confused.

"I just knew you didn't. whenever I saw you with him, which was a lot," they smiled as they both remembered his stalker days "your heart wouldn't be beating as fast as it is even now." His voice traveled of and he closed the distance with his lips. He brushed his lips to hers ever so softly for a few seconds, then remained staring at her pretty face. Her cheeks still red and her eyes still wet.

"The one and only time you ever made love was with Angel, and it ended bad… I knew that that was one of the reasons why you were so afraid to open up to me…" Spike whispered in a hushed voice.

Buffy just lay there, once again letting yet more true words of his sink into her brain, leaving her stunned at how well he knew her.

"It hurts, am I right, pet?" she nodded. Her heart suddenly swelling up with love for this man.

"That's why you cried last night, … that's why you're crying right now … " he smoothed his fingers over her flushed skin.

"Because you knew, you weren't just having sex, … you could feel it, you were making love" Oh, how much more of this hurtful truth would she be able to stand.

"…remember the night in the old building? Remember my face?" he asked her while touching his forehead to hers.

"Yes…" a shaky voice answered "you were crying." He nodded slightly.

"That's the night I first made love to you … and I have never done anything else!" He inhaled deeply, to keep his voice from breaking.

This time it was Buffy initiating the kiss. She closed the distance and pressed her mouth to his desperately. Their mouths opened simultaneously and hey dueled with their tongues and licked and sucked as if it were their last seconds together.

Breathing hard, Buffy broke the kiss, searched his eyes and held his gaze.

"Look at me! I love you! I love you, I really do!" Eyes tearing up anew she longed for more lip contact.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, luv, I'm so - "

"Sssshhh - " and they resumed kissing. Things got heated up very quickly and not a minute later Spike again was fully inside her, filling her to the hilt!

They made love again and again, showing each other even with the slightest of touches how much they meant to each other, until they fell asleep again, spent. Out of breath. Satisfied. Spooned up against each other, Spike behind her. Shielding her from the big bad world. And both happier than they had been in a very, very long time…

END

Okay, sappy, sappy, … I just couldn't help it! ;-)

I love reviews!


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